why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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