To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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