He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
