why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
