i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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