My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
