I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
