His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
