my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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