I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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