I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
