I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
