my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
