My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
