i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
