Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
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she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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