I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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