just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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