The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
