I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
