he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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