someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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