it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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