When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
