Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
