peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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