I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
this boner is exhausting
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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