She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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