I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
