i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize