I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
