I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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