Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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