Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
