Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
