The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
