Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
