I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Randomize
