fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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