I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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