She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
