Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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