and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
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he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
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I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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