You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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