I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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