Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
