I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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