I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
