can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.