Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
