I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
