Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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