Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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