Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE